The Way You Loved Me
by Milaero-Sal
Summary: After falling into a deep depression from a previous relationship and past mistakes, can Bella find comfort in the one person she hurt. The one person she truly loved. Rated T but will be M soon for future events. OOC. AU. AH.
1. Prologue

**A/N: **Hey guys! Btw I am still working hard on "Never Knew What Waited" There is no way I'm done there, I just started!

I literally JUST had this whole plot for another fic pop into my mind in 2 seconds and I fell in love with the idea, please work with me. I want it to be really moving and touching, I'll be working on this one and_ Never Knew_ back and forth.

Loviesssss.

**Song Theme:** It's a short chapter but I can never imagine reading something without music, I'm sorry some people think it's extremely difficult to concentrate with music but I kinda just needdd it when I read or write. So if you dont mind reading it with music here is the song for this little chapter snippet. "Loosen Your Hold" by South :)

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**The Way You Loved Me**

I sat on my bed, waiting for the darkness to consume me once again. I checked the clock on my nightstand.

12:00 a.m.

The tears running down my face had yet to come to a halt. But I knew they wouldn't for a long time. Not tonight.

I lay in bed, quietly weeping as I remembered the events that had put me in this deep depression. I did this every night and although I told myself that it would get better, that the huge, angry hole in my heart would heal, every night it hurt more and I got worse.


	2. Failed Intervention

**The nightmares that had been taking over my sleep every day for 4 months came back tonight, full force. **

**Charlie came in frantic yet groggy at the same time, he could do that. I would have assumed that by now he would be immune to my constant screaming every night, especially with how deep a sleeper he was, but since the incident he hasn't been able to stop thinking of ways to get me back to my old self. If only he knew he was just wasting his time. I wish I could comfort him and tell him that eventually, in time, I would get better from everything that had happened. But how could I tell him something I didn't even believe myself, how could I comfort someone else when I was still picking up the pieces of myself just to fall apart all over again.**

"**Bella! What is it?" **

"**The same. The nightmares." **

**He found me sitting up in my bed, clutching the sheets, staring at them, my face dead and blank. He squatted down next to me and hugged me.**

"**Bella. You're really scaring me honey. I- I just can't- I don't know how to fix you, how to help you. I don't know what to do anymore, Bells." his voice broke on the last word and my heart fell. It didn't help my already shattered heart when I hurt him like this, I couldn't say a single thing that would reassure him, my tears always betrayed me.**

**I looked at him and sure enough a tear shed. "Dad, I'm sorry I'm doing this to you, but I don't even know what to tell **_**myself**_** anymore." I sobbed and my head fell against his chest. I gripped his shirt as I cried into it.**

"**Oh, Bells… I'm so sorry he did this to you." **

"**I messed everything up by staying with him dad!" I sobbed. "And now he broke my heart! And after …everything I realize I always loved Edward! And its too late…" my tears were falling fast and hard as I finally let myself be fully enveloped in the reality of what had happened. Of what I had done to myself.**

"**Listen to me Bella, what Jacob did to you- the way this has left you, it breaks my heart every time I look at you. But Edward, is gone, I'm sorry sweetheart," he cried a bit. Those words hit my heart like glass even though I knew it was true. "And I completely and totally support you never wanting to go back to Jacob- hell I wouldn't let you!- but promise me that I'm going to get my Bells back, please."**

**I lifted my head and looked at him with my water stricken eyes.**

"**I can't promise you that dad, I don't know if I'll ever be your same ol' Bells. But I'm trying. Everyday I try, it just hurts… its hard."**

"**I know, I know."**

********

"**When your mom left me, well honestly it hurt like hell. To this day… I still love her, Bells."**

**We sat in the kitchen talking. Charlie was drinking coffee and was proving to me that he really did know exactly what I felt. He wanted to try to help me, so I told him as much I could. I didn't plan on giving him the details, he said no matter what, I had to tell him what hurt though, because that's what would help. Getting everything off my chest, it helped but every time I thought about it I felt more and more of my heart crumble. **

"**She left one night, she said she couldn't stay here any longer. She said she would be stuck here forever if she didn't get out right then and there, and then she gave me one last look and slammed the door and drove away." **

"**You really do get me don't you…"**

"**More than you think… I also know your heart is not going to heal on its own, but you can't just talk to me forever. That's why I'm begging for you to go visit Renee." **

**I stood up, furious. "No! Dad don't you understand?! You are already nuts enough about this whole thing, I don't need my other parent shrinking me! She wont give up until she sees me back the way I used to be and that is not going to happen! I've told you time and time again that I would try but I've been lying to you! I will **_**never**_** be the way I was before. Edward is gone and you may think I'm being dramatic but he was everything dad! Everything, all I had!" I shook with angry tears.**

**Charlie got up to hug me, again. But that's not what I wanted.**

"**No, stop!" I cried. "I'm through with the hugs, don't touch me! I'm not going anywhere near mom. Do you understand dad? I just want to be left alone, I want to grieve alone!"**

**And with that I ran up to my room, locked my door and stayed there crying and crying. Waiting until night time when I could cry myself to sleep like **_**every**_** night.**


	3. Devasted

**A/N: **I know you guys are getting how desperately and horribly devasted Bella is. You'll figure out the details soon enough, and get ready for a lot of crying. It will not stop soon, there is ALOT of drama to come.

**Song Theme: **Eveything- Lifehouse.

I dont mean to get you guys down if I do lol but that's the way Bella is supposed to feel and this song ties it up very well. Please listen to the song while reading, these are the songs that I write with and they really grasp all the emotions. Heck! **_I_** get emotional writing it!

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Flashback.

"_Bella I'm sorry! Please just think about what you are doing! This- I never meant for it to go this way, please just listen!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs._

_I was literally having a panic attack. I could feel my chest constricting, my heart about to pop out of my chest. The room was spinning and slowly becoming smaller and smaller, sweat beads began pooling behind my neck, on my forehead. I couldn't breathe, it felt like my lungs were closing up and I was gasping for breath, I was hunched over, my hands were on my knees. My vision was becoming obstructed with white light. I was going to pass out._

"_Bella? Bella calm down, breathe! We will work this out, there isn't any need for this type of reaction!" _

"_Re- Reaction?!" I tried to scream. I was furious but my loss of air wouldn't let me convey that. I was literally gasping for breath._

"_Stop it Bella! Stop it!"_

_

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_

"Bells! Bella!"

I woke up from my terrible nightmare, or flashback you could say, to Charlie's comforting hands wiping the strands of my matted locks away from sweaty face.

"Bella," he breathed, exhausted. " This has got to stop," he pleaded.

"I'm sor- sorry" my breath was shaky as I tried desperately to get it back to normal.

"Honey… there is something I need to tell you." I looked at him and felt ill as I realized what the expression on his face meant.

"What ..is it.. Dad?"

"I told your mother about what's been going on lately-"

"What?!"

He put his hands out in front of him as if that were going to calm me down. "Now now, Bella. Just hold on-"

"How could you do this?! How could you just tell her everything?!" I realized angry tears were spilling onto my cheeks.

"I didn't! I didn't Bella. Let me explain, please!"

"I cant face her, I cant after all this, seeing her again will just set me up for another lift on the emotional TIDAL WAVE that I'm going through right now!"

"Bella stop! That is enough! Now I understand that you are extremely …delicate," he hesitated, not knowing exactly what to call my "girly boyfriend problems." "But I don't know how to help you anymore, I'm not helping! I'm not doing anything for you because every night I come running in here at 4 in the morning to soothe you and calm you down from the same nightmare!"

"What makes you think mom will make any of this any better? You know very well that she'll just worry and worry and tire herself out from that worry. She will only be able to try to calm me down but you also know that I'm the one that does the calming and I cant even help myself!" I was ranting and I knew I was wrong about a majority of what I had just said but I also knew that I was right about the other half. Maybe the last bit was up for discussion.

"Yes, that may be true but _you _know very well that no matter how crazy, one-sided, impulsive, and hair-brained your mother is, she is the one person that can honestly talk you back down from the craziness. And you are wrong, and you know it. She will understand, and no matter how much you deny yourself the priviledge you deserve to get pulled out this …this …this depression!" his eyes looked pained, I was hurting him but all I had cared about was my aching heart. It was time I helped his. I would try to cover the cuts and bruises on my heart, I would try to mend it but from this moment on I would stop neglecting his.

"I guess …a visit to her would be ..nice."

"Oh I know you're excited." he grinned his adorable crinkly-eyed smile.

"Hey, I miss mom but I'm not exactly thrilled for the attack I'm going to get when I first see her." I said playfully slapping his shoulder.

"About that, I didn't tell her the details of the story. She only knows that you are, well, upset. I want you to tell her what's going on." he confessed earnestly.

His concern was touching, but it was funny how he thought he had every detail of the story. If he thought what I had told him was cringe-worthy and an awkward sit-down, than he would die if I told him the _whole_ story.

"Okay." I sighed.

"Now, if you don't mind," he kissed my head, "I'm going to go back to bed. Please try to get some sleep."

I watched as he walked off, but then realized I had a question.

"Dad?"

He stopped but didn't turn around. "Yes?"

"When am I leaving? To Phoenix I mean."

He turned and faced me with a sheepish face. He had forgotten something very vital.

"Eh. About that.." he laughed nervously. "You leave …tomorrow."

Oh lord.

I crashed onto my bed and groaned.

"Night!" he said cheerfully.

Tomorrow would be an interesting day.

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As I drove to the airport I realized that this would be good for me, maybe. I wouldn't be allowed to spare any details considering the fact that a) I needed to let go of everything in order for Renee to help me and b) she would see through every wall I was putting up to keep me from breaking down. I was going to break down and it was going to hurt. I was going to relive every precious memory I had with Edward before I was brain washed, and then heart-broken by Jacob. I would have to try my hardest not to cry when I thought of how badly I had messed up and how Edward was not for me anymore. But I would do it.

I found a comfortable seat on the plane by a window. Sleep evaded me, so I sat wondering what in the world my Edward was doing. He was probably living life the way he should have before I broke his heart. If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that he loved me with every fiber of his being. He let me go, pained and heartbroken, put acceptingly. He let me go because I made the mistake of telling him it was what needed to happen.

My vision blurred as fat tears formed and found there way over the sill of my eyes. They plopped onto my cheeks and for once I didn't try to stop them while in public. I let them flow freely as I -for the millionth time- cursed myself for letting the most precious thing a person could ever even fathom, go! It physically hurt me when I went to sleep without his cool hands wrapped around me and his beautiful voice humming me to sleep and it was another depressing blow when I woke to an empty bed. I quietly sobbed myself to sleep on the little plane. For once, not caring who listened.

_Why Bella? Why did you do this?…_

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**I LOVE REVIEWS. :).**


	4. Goodbyes

**A/N: **I'm not even going to lie to you guys lmao, i cried writing this chapter. Call me a geek, yes I know I am. I couldn't stop writing at this chapter so you'll be getting another chapter today. This is Pt. 1 of the whole reason behind Bella's depression. I'm wriiting part 2 as we speak.

**Song Theme: **The song themes for this chapter made me cry while writing lmao!

Song 1: Broken- Lifehouse

Song2: May Angels Lead You In - Jimmy Eat World

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Flashback.

"_How- How could you, Jacob?" I gasped._

"_I- I don't know what to say.. I'm so sorry, Bella. You know I didn't mean to, you know how much I love you- how much I fought for you. I would never want to hurt you!"_

_I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. "Do you realize how much I gave up for you Jacob?!" _

_In that second, it all hit me, I realized for the first time that I had given away my soul mate and I had been given this in return. Jacob was never meant to be my husband, my boyfriend, not even a crush. I had never wanted it to be this way but he talked me into believing that he was what I would need. I needed to live a normal life, have a normal family, have a normal love. And I bought it, I bought into all of it. He said I would get so much out of being with him forever, but instead I had everything taken away. I had a perfect, extraordinary life when I met Edward. I had a strange, impossible life. I had the life that every single woman would kill for. The best family a person could ever have, and a love that was the single-most precious thing in the entire universe. And I gave it up for normalcy, for a life that would never in a million years compare to what I had before. As I thought on all this I fell to my knees, the rain pouring in buckets around us, and shook with tears, I sobbed and sobbed and smacked the floor._

"_How could you do this to me Jacob?" I whimpered to myself. _

***

"Huh- wha?" I woke with a startle and then was blinded by the desert sun coming into my window.

"You're not in Phoenix anymore, Bella." I said to myself as I sat up and stretched in my seat.

The stewardess instructed us to stay in our seats for another 5 minutes and then to line up in a single file and exit the plane, and to "have a fun, sunny day in Phoenix."

_Yes. This is going to be great fun._

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"Bella! Baby!" I smiled widely as I recognized the all-too familiar voice of my mother.

"Mom," I laughed as I ran into her arms. She hugged me and ran her fingers through my hair and over my face, as if she wanted to remember every single feature before I left once more.

"Oh sweetheart! You look so grown-up! How's Forks? Your father? How's Alice?!" she asked eagerly.

That last question struck a chord on my heart. Alice. Alice was my best friend, she was Edward's sister. I held back a wave of sad emotions as I thought of her, her connection to Edward and the fact that I hadn't seen her because of the incident. Since I left Edward, I hadn't seen her. It has been 6 months, I still question my sanity. His sister Rose never liked me and although it always hurt that she didn't accept me, it was less hard than missing Alice and Edward. But then I thought of Emmett, Edward's playful and sweet brother and Jasper, his gentle and smart brother, and I couldn't help but tear-up. Renee noticed.

She clucked her tongue affectionately and pulled me into another hug as a couple tears slid.

"Oh, honey, it's okay. We're gonna talk about this." she whispered comfortingly.

* * *

When we arrived to house, I found it surprisingly empty.

"And Phil?"

"Oh! I sent him out to go play with Noah." she chuckled.

I smiled happily as I thought of my little brother and Phil trying to play baseball at the local part. I couldn't wait to see either of them.

"If only you could stay a bit longer Bella! He's turning 3 in a week!"

"I know mom, and it sucks I can't stay. But I have finals the day before his birthday." It really did suck, not only did I want to spend Noah's birthday with him, but I wanted more escape time from Forks.

"Well, I'm sure he'll be fine, It's not him I'm worried about…"

I sighed, knowing exactly what she meant. "Come on. It's time I tell you everything."

She took me to my old room, it was filled with pictures and desert flowers. I even had Mr. Cactus sitting on the windowsill, just as I had last left him.

She took my hand and sat me down on the bed. With Renee, there is no such thing as waiting when the story involves gossip of any kind.

"Go. Tell me. Shoot. Giddy' up."

"Giddy' up?" I laughed.

"Go!"

"Alright, it started last year…" and with that I trailed off into the long story of my heart-break.

"The last words I said to Charlie before heading off to Jacob's house to surprise him, were, 'I'm so excited to see his reaction dad,' and I giggled. With that I drove off to surprise Jacob for our 6 month anniversary. A big part of me cried out guilty and sadly that these 6 months should have been spent with Edward. That part of me always cried when I kissed Jacob, when I hugged him, when he pulled me into his arms. That part, I knew, would never be silenced. And I never tried to silence it, because it always made me remember my first love, my truest love. I loved Jacob, but It would never be near the way I had loved Edward. So for that reason, I never ignored it, no matter the pain.

When Jacob explained to me how deeply he loved me and how much it hurt to see me in the arms of someone else, it made my heart fall. He told me he wanted to talk to me and he hoped it would get me to realize that I needed to be with him. I never felt more guilty than when he told me how much he cried over the fact that he couldn't be with the person he loved. And so I made the decision that I would never forget, always regret."

_[cue "May Angels Lead You In- Jimmy Eat World"]_

_Flashback._

_August 13, 2006._

_Edward got out of his Volvo, looking as gorgeous as ever. As he locked his car he turned to see me and smiled the smile that meant he was thinking, 'there she is. The most, beautiful, perfect woman, and she's mine. My goodness, I am so lucky' and I began to cry as I realized what I was about to do. When he saw that his face changed into an expression of concern and he ran over to me._

"_Bella, sweetheart, what's wrong?" he said urgently._

"_I have to talk to you Edward," I cried not letting any emotions be held back._

"_Yes. Yes of course sweetheart. Come, we'll go to our meadow." he said, trying to calm me. He kissed my lips and I sobbed._

"_No, no I can't tell you in the meadow. Please don't take me there." _

"_Bella, you're startling me. Where else can we go?" _

"_Take me to the border in front of La Push." _

"_La- La Push? What? Why do you want to talk about this there?" he asked, surprised._

"_Please-" I choked._

"_Alright, ok. Come on." he took my hand and kissed it tenderly as he walked me to his car. He was making this worse and worse. I whimpered._

_When we got to the border I realized this was it. It was time to say goodbye._

Just please don't break his heart, Bella. Please.

_Edward drove the car to the side of the rode and got out, he came around to my side, pulled me out and grabbed me his arms. He kissed me passionately and urgently, as if he somehow felt this was going to be some sort of end. I took advantage and kissed him back the most lovingly, most intense way I ever had. This was it._

_He took me into the forest and sat me down. "Bella, why are you being like this? What is the meaning of all this, please tell me it breaks my heart to see you cry this way. I want to help, love."_

_I sobbed in his arms but pulled away, I needed to get used to not being wrapped in his arms, fast. I knew there was no way I was going to get through this without crying though, so I let the tears fall freely and the sobs and chokes break through. There was no point in holding them back._

"_Before I say anything Edward.. You know how much I love you. Right? You know that no matter where we are or who we are with, you'll always be the one I remember as my one true love. Right?"_

"_Yes, as you are mine."_

"_Please, I need you to stop saying that.." I cried to myself, wrapping my arms around myself._

"_Why? Why would I ever want to stop telling you how amazing you have made my life?" I could hear a smile in his voice. "How could I ever neglect to tell you how in the past year you have made me feel more complete and alive than in _any_ of my 107 years?! Bella I love you."_

Oh Lord this hurts too much. He isn't making this any easier, at all. My heart has never felt so broken.

"_Please, Edward!" I yelled, with incessant tears streaming. "Please stop it…" I whispered._

"_What are you doing? Why are saying all this?" he asked, slowly becoming aware of what was ahead._

"_I can't have you anymore," I whimpered._

"_Of course you can! What in the world?" he grabbed the top of my arms, as if he was going to get control that way. _

"_No, I need to be with Jacob. He was right. My life is too crazy, he said it should be normal. He said I should be able to have a family, to have a normal life." I sniffed, mucus clogging my breathing. I sat up on my knees and leaned forward towards him, putting my hands on either side of his face and looking him straight in the eye. His face was in pained shock. "And you have given me so much more than that," I said seriously. "But I need to do this… for Charlie, for Renee, for Jacob and most of all for you.." I cried, touching my forehead to his. "You aren't safe with me around. And I would have my heart break a million times to keep you safe, sweetheart."_

_He leaned in and kissed me hard, "You don't have to! Charlie and Renee will never have to find out and they love me," he smiled and laughed nervously, jokingly. I realized this was the first time I had ever seen him this way, it was the hardest thing to break Edward down, but I was honestly breaking his heart. "And we all are fine with you around, Esme and Carlisle and Jasper and Emmett and ALICE- they all adore you! And Rose is getting to like you more each day… Bella please don't do this." he whimpered, if he could cry, I had a feeling he would be close by now._

_I choked out, "I love you Edward." I got up and got ready to leave, but his hand pulled me back in. _

"_You don't have to do this Bella, I'll talk to him if you want me to, you don't even want to go! Stop lieing to yourself, you belong to me! I'm yours! We are meant for each other!" _

_I leaned down and kissed him one last time. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed every part of his face, his hands, his head, and then stepped away, pulling his hands back. _

"_I love you.. Goodbye Edward." I choked out, tears still streaming down my face._

_

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_

I was crying in gasps, in breathless sobs as I finished the story of how I left Edward.

"I remember - I left- him looking- as though he had seen a -ghost." I cried gasping. "Oh mom it hurt so much," I fell into her arms. "and then Jacob did what he did and I always knew that Edward was who I was meant to be with but I went to Jacob for the sake of a normal life and now the only person I want is Edward! He's the only one have ever wanted mom!"

She was sobbing as well, she had always known we were something out of a fairy tale. Not even a fairy tale itself could compare to us, she would say.

"Shhh, shhh Bella. It's okay, just tell me, just let out everything." she brushed my hair with her fingers.

I wiped my face and nose and was about to continue when she asked, "Wait, why do you keep saying 'normal life' and that no one 'needed to find out'? what were you two talking about?" she asked wiping her face as well.

_Oh crap._

"Well.. Nothing its just that his family is very.. Eccentric and no one knew them and everyone loved Jacob and dad always pressured me to be with him …and it was just too much."

"Bella… you know that no one, especially your father or me would ever keep you from who you love, no matter who we prefer,"

"I know," I whimpered. "But I can't be with him anyways."

"Shhh don't talk like that anymore. You'll get better. We'll get through this. Now tell me the rest, go on."

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**Review. Review. Review!**

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	5. Hateful Goodbyes

**A/N:** This is the story continued from the last chapter. And there is one more part. I don't know if I'm going to write that today thoug, I'll think about it. This is a big chapter so..

**Song Themes:** The two songs for this chapter are both by the band "Red"

Song 1: Pieces-Red.

Song 2: Never Be The Same- Red.

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"I know," I whimpered. "But I can't be with him anyways."

"Shhh don't talk like that anymore. You'll get better. We'll get through this. Now tell me the rest, go on."

"Okay," I cleared my throat and began where I had left off.

***

_Flashback._

_February 13, 2007._

"_Have fun, kiddo." Charlie said as I drove off, on my way to surprise Jacob for our 6 month anniversary. _

_My head was screaming at me. It was mad at me, I had given everything up for Jacob but I knew some things would turn out to be …good. Never better though, never better than what I had than Edward. But I had to stop thinking these thoughts, I was on my way to celebrate 6 months with Jacob, my …boyfriend. _

_I parked in his driveway, stepped out and was greeted by Billy. _

"_Bella!" he welcomed me happily. _

"_Hey Billy," I smiled. "Jacob's here right? I came to surprise him."_

"_Oh that's nice, but I'm afraid he left about an hour ago. I'm sure he'll be back soon. You wanna stick around?"_

_That was odd. He never left unless he was on duty with the pack, and the whole pack seemed to be in the house from the looks of it. That's what it seemed like as I peered in the window._

"_Uhhh .. Sure." I shrugged. "Yeah, why not."_

_I was greeted warmly and loudly by Quil, Embry, Sam, Paul, Jared, Emily, and Seth. _

"_Hey guys," I laughed as Quil and Embry fought over the last pizza bagel. _

"_Ey, Bella, not that we don't totally love the presence of a cute thing like you but shouldn't you be with you loverboy?" Quil said, earning him a slap on the head from Sam._

_I laughed, "Yeah, well I was going to surprise him but well he isn't here. That's so weird. Shouldn't he be here, scarfing down whatever it is you guys are eating." _

"_It's a special concoction of mine!" Quil answered me with a mouthful of his concoction._

"_Ew," I chuckled._

_

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_

_It was already 5:30 and I had been here since 2:00, where the heck was Jacob?_

"_Hey guys, I'm gonna head out, kay?"_

"_Well I don't know what's wrong with that boy! Bella, isn't it your anniversary?" Emily asked, frustrated._

_I looked down at the floor, moving my feet against the tile. "Well yeah …I was hoping I could surprise him but the idea is kinda down the drain now."_

"_Gosh, Jacob…." she said, silently cursing him._

"_Ermm, I'm gonna go look for him… have fun. Bye guys."_

"_Bye Bella!" everyone called after._

"_Hey, Billy where did you say he was?"_

"_Well he told me he was at the beach."_

_The beach? What would he be doing down at the beach for so long?_

"_Alright.. I'll catch up with you guys later."_

_As I drove down to the beach my head was everywhere. How could he just stand me up on our anniversary? He wasn't even going to call me? Its been six months for heavens sake._

_I parked the car on the side of the road by the cliff. I got angrier and angrier as I looked everywhere and he was no where. That's when I heard it. A very high whimper, a girl's whimper, as if she were … in pleasure._

_I ran and ran until I found myself staring at the source of the sound and the person feeding that pleasure._

_Leah. Jacob. Clothes scattered. Entangled legs and arms. Bare bodies. Arched back. His hands groping her. All over her. Kissing. Sloppy, passionate kissing. Moans. Groans. Heavy breathing. This couldn't be happening._

_I stepped back in shock and my foot stepped over a branch, making a loud crunch. Both heads turned up in shock. She covered herself in all the articles of clothing she could find. He just stood there, naked, shocked. I was absolutely livid as my hand flew to my mouth. He put his pants back on and yelled for me but I was already running. Rain suddenly started to fall. It got worse by the minute, my locks were soaked, my clothes drenched. _

"_Bella! Bella! Stop running please! Listen!"_

_He caught up to me in seconds and grabbed my arm. "Get off me! Don't touch me!" I yelled hysteric. "What were you thinking?! Don't- don't get near me, I'm through with you! I gave you everything I had and you do this!" I pointed to the scene._

"_Bella I'm sorry! Please just think about what you are doing! This- I never meant for it to go this way, please just listen!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs._

_I was literally having a panic attack. I could feel my chest constricting, my heart about to pop out of my chest. The room was spinning and slowly becoming smaller and smaller, sweat beads began pooling behind my neck, on my forehead. I couldn't breathe, it felt like my lungs were closing up and I was gasping for breath, I was hunched over, my hands were on my knees. My vision was becoming obstructed with white light. I was going to pass out._

"_Bella? Bella calm down, breathe! We will work this out, there isn't any need for this type of reaction!" _

"_Re- Reaction?!" I tried to scream. I was furious but my loss of air wouldn't let me convey that. I was literally gasping for breath._

"_Stop it Bella! Stop it!"_

"_How- How could you, Jacob?" I gasped._

"_I- I don't know what to say.. I'm so sorry, Bella. You know I didn't mean to, you know how much I love you- how much I fought for you. I would never want to hurt you!"_

_I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. "Do you realize how much I gave up for you Jacob?!" _

_In that second, it all hit me, I realized for the first time that I had given away my soul mate and I had been given this in return. Jacob was never meant to be my husband, my boyfriend, not even a crush. I had never wanted it to be this way but he talked me into believing that he was what I would need. I needed to live a normal life, have a normal family, have a normal love. And I bought it, I bought into all of it. He said I would get so much out of being with him forever, but instead I had everything taken away. I had a perfect, extraordinary life when I met Edward. I had a strange, impossible life. I had the life that every single woman would kill for. The best family a person could ever have, and a love that was the single-most precious thing in the entire universe. And I gave it up for normalcy, for a life that would never in a million years compare to what I had before. As I thought on all this I fell to my knees, the rain pouring in buckets around us, and shook with tears, I sobbed and sobbed and smacked the floor._

"_How could you do this to me Jacob?" I whimpered to myself. _

"_It was an accident, I didn't mean it, we just got-"_

"_Accident?! What, you "accidentally" kissed her? You "accidentally" threw her to the ground? You "accidentally" became naked? Are you really going to tell me that you just "accidentally" finished having sex with her?! It was all an accident?"_

"_Well, we-"_

"_Oh but it doesn't count because I interrupted you, huh? How long has this been going on, Jacob?!" I sobbed holding my chest._

"_Bella ..I- I imprinted …on her. Her name is Leah."_

_I lifted my head, I knew what my face looked like. It was wet with rain and tears, but my mouth was a huge O. My shaking hand slowly came up to cover my mouth, and my fingers lingered by my lips. _

"_You …what?"_

"_I imprinted on her." he said clearly, strongly. And he stood up, and looked down on me._

"_I'm sorry but she's …she's my soul mate, Bella."_

"_Jacob … I gave up the one person I have ever loved so much, so passionately to have a normal life with you! Do not talk to _me_ about soul mates! How could you tell me this now?! How could you just leave me here, alone and crying and with nothing left to hold on to!" I screamed with hot, angry, heart-broken tears running fast down my face. "You should have seen his face, you should have heard his voice when I left him and told him I was going to start a life with you! He's gone and alone and heartbroken because of what you made me do and now I'm just the same! And I can never go back to him, I thought you honestly loved me and I don't mean in love I mean love. I thought you loved me enough as a best friend, as a person who knows more about me than my own family, that you would never hurt me." _

_This got him and he I saw tears form in his eyes as he fell to the floor next to me. "Bella I'm sorry, please." he whimpered._

"_You told me every day I was with Edward, the happiest days of my life, that you would love me better, and I honestly never believed anyone could love me more than Edward but I did believe you when you said you would never, ever hurt me. And here we are. And on our 6 month anniversary!" I yelled, livid and irate._

"_I'm-" he started._

"_Stop, don't you dare say you're sorry again! I've wasted 6 months, 6 long moths with _you_, when I could have been happier than ever with Edward. Wasted!"_

"_You don't mean that…" he said, obviously deeply hurt by what I had just spat at him. But I didn't give a crap. This was nothing compared to everything that was hitting my right now. He deserved some sort of taste of what I was feeling, and not even the biggest blow would be even close to how empty I was right now. _

"_Don't say this stuff! I DO love you, and I DON'T ever want to hurt you!-"_

"_Well you did, badly! Stop saying you're sorry because I won't care. I hate you. You disgust me right now. Go, back to Leah! I'm done with you!"_

_And with that I ran away, leaving Jacob on the floor yelling after me, crying._

You have no idea what you've done to me.

_

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When I finished the story I was hollow. I couldn't cry any more tears. I was empty. I thought this was supposed to help me.

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**There is oneeee more part to this whole fiasco reason thing behind Bella's depression. That will come up next!**

**Please let me now what you thought of the songs with the story together in the last chapter and this one. And of course what you thought of the actual chapters!**

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	6. Misunderstandings

**A/N: **I am soooo sorry it took so long to get this chapter out there, don't kill me.

**Chapter Song: **"Look After You" -The Fray. Please listen and read. (:

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The worst part of all of this was I wasn't even finished with the story. It may have seemed like I had relived every memory that could probably turn my heart into dust, but I hadn't. the worst was yet to come. And that was hard to swallow.

The thought of this made my insides hurt, it made my head burn with heat and my lungs close up. It made my bones ache and my limbs freeze. I didn't want to have to touch on this part- because this was no longer despair, or betrayal, this was rejection and all hope lost.

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_Flashback._

_June 13, 2007._

_It had been 4 months since I talked to them. To Alice, to Emmett, Jasper, Rose, Carlisle, heaven knows how badly I missed Esme. And Edward. I hadn't seen any of there faces and I was actually starting to believe I would die of sadness._

_It had been too long. Summer had just started, and with everything that had happened, there was no point in them staying in Forks for the summer. But I had to check if they were around, I was too much of a coward to see if Carlisle was at the hospital- and whenever I was there- Lord knows I can't stay injury free for more than 2 weeks- I tried so hard to avoid a gaze from him. I know the shame that would cause me, and I was done disappointing. Carlisle was a saint, and no matter what I did, I know he would never treat me unkindly- I had been through a lot with that family… with my family- but I couldn't bear to see him. _

_That's the way it was a while ago, anyways. Now I didn't have any excuse to keep me back._

_I drove to the meadow and called him._

_He answered after the second ring. _

"_Bella." he seemed- relieved?- anxious, breathless._

"_Edward, can you-," my voice was shaking, I was about to cry. His voice had just made those months I had been living without him, even more wasted in my eyes. His voice! I wouldn't get through this phone call without crying if I didn't make it quick. "Edward, can you please come to the meadow." _

"_Yes, what's the problem? Bella, are you alright, sweethea- …are you alright?" _

_He called me sweetheart, just barely but I know he did. _

_A tear went loose and rode down my cheek._

"_Mhm. Just come please." and with that I hung up._

_He stood at my feet in less than 2 minutes. That had not been enough time to recover, so I faced him with red eyes and puffy cheeks. His face became pained, and he knelt down to hold me, but then stopped himself._

"_Edward, I need to tell you something."_

"_Yes, anything." _

"_Jacob… cheated on me." I whimpered. "And he's imprinted on the girl." _

_He suddenly became tense and it was evident he was furious. He clenched his hands and if it were possible, his knuckles would have become white._

"…_good for nothing mongrel…" he murmured angrily._

"_No, no Edward don't get mad, it's a waste of emotion. I realized something from this, I think you know what-"_

"_I'm glad you finally understand this! I've been trying to get you for so long to understand this Bella!" he interrupted._

_The breath left my lungs, he understood. He understood why I left him, and he seemed relieved I finally had come back to him, oh happy day! He's going to take me back. I must have had a smile so large it covered my face because he grinned and touched my cheek. I leaned into it and kissed his palm. He grabbed me and hugged me as tightly as he could without harming me._

"_Oh Bella, finally you realize how much better you were off without him. I'm just glad I can leave knowing you'll be alright sweetheart." he smiled a sad, sincere smile._

_The breath left my lungs again, but it felt very wrong._

What.

_I became tense and pulled back from his hug, looking him in the eyes I said, "Wha- Why would you leave, Edward. You understand now, I understand. We can get back to what we were now, I'm…confused."_

"_Bella …are you alright?" he looked confused as well, but also worried._

_No. no I wasn't. I felt the uncomfortable heat prick at my skin, behind my neck, around my hair. It was the type of heat that warned you something bad was happening, that let you know this was going to be very bad. My stomach became a knotted mess of ropes._

"_Why are you leaving Edward." I pressed, my breath becoming shaky._

"_Because, it's for the best.. Bella I thought this was nothing new to you. It's what was for the best if you were going to be with Jacob, I didn't want to intrude, very less _see_ what was happening. Why are you getting so upset?" he urged, grabbing my face in his hands._

"_Wh- this isn't the way I wanted this conversation to go, this isn't how I was expecting for things to go. Edward you just told me ..you understand.." I said squinting my eyes at him, as if it would make him comprehend this all better. Or it may have been the fact that tears were suddenly fighting there way through the wall I was creating, not wanting them to break through. "I thought you understood.." I whispered to myself._

"_I do! I do, I understand that you've finally come to realize how beautiful and special you are! Isn't that what you wanted to tell me? I mean I get why you called me, this is what I've been trying to get you to feel… so of course you …would tell ..me.." he trailed off as he saw me slump down and cry. "Bella, please tell me what is wrong? I can't bear this."_

_I looked up at him, tears stinging my eyes and betraying me as they ran down like rain. "I thought you understood that I realized I was WRONG!" I sobbed into my lap. "I thought you understood that I realized I was always wrong for leaving you and I ALWAYS knew you were who I was meant to be with, I thought you understood you were the only person I ever loved…" I cried. _

"_Oh Bella." he grabbed me and sat me on his lap as I cried and wet his shirt. He rubbed circles on my back as I sobbed. _

_I was so embarrassed, I was crying for nothing, he understood what I wanted him to from the beginning- now anyways. That's all that mattered!_

_So I sat up on his legs, wiped my eyes and blushed because of the fool I had made myself look like. I looked down at my hands. "I'm sorry.." I whispered. _

"_Don't be." he grabbed my face and kissed me softly. _

"_I'm so glad we can stay this way, because I missed you so-"_

"_Wait, what?"_

"_I've never been so relieved, this is all over and you and me.. We can go back."_

_He groaned and rubbed his face. "Bella …no, we cant. I'm sorry, I thought I made that, well, clear, love." _

_There was that heat once more, except this time, I was sure my heart had stopped._

"_What?" I croaked._

_He sighed, "When you were with Jacob and I saw you two, I realized how wrong you and me were. I saw that you were so right about you and Jacob, you and him were always supposed to be ..together. I was never supposed to meet you, I was never supposed to let this go so far no matter how badly my heart willed me to do so, I was never supposed to ruin your life." _

"_Ruin my life?!" I stood up screaming, "The next time you say that I'll slap you, I swear it! I don't care if it hurts or not! I don't care how badly it hurts me to do it," I sobbed. "You made my life so amazing and I don't know if you will ever understand that if you're gone a part of me will die," I fell to my knees crying, once again for the hundredth time. "Edward, please don't do this to me again, please don't make it hurt again, I have this hole in my heart and you're the only person who can fix it," I cried to the ground. "You're never going to get it, you're never going to comprehend how badly I need you ..will you?" I cried into my hands._

"_You're better off without people like Jacob in your life, without people like me." he said, his voice just as broken and shaky as when I left him to be with Jacob. This was the second time I was sure that if he could, he would be crying._

"_But I'm not!" it seemed as though I would never run out of tears. "I'm begging you Edward, look at me and tell me you wont leave," I silently pleaded._

_I looked up at him to tell him this and a sob broke from my lips as I saw his face; I was starting to think he could cry because he looked as though he was, he was just missing tears, he was broken. He grabbed me and kissed me passionately and slowly. Beautifully. He kissed my face, my neck, my hands. _

"_Thank goodness Edward. Finally! I knew you would stay" I cried happy tears. _

_He kissed me once more and then whispered into my ear, broken, "I can't." With that he grabbed my hands kissed them once more, and left._

_It took me a moment to completely come down from the heartbreaking shock, the shock that plastered the dumbfounded expression on my face. If you asked me I bet I could tell you exactly how I looked: open mouth, dry tears on my wet face, pained eyes and hands still up from where he kissed them._

_And then- of course- I broke down. I cried and hit the floor and lost my breath. _

_I soon realized there was something in my hand, a note. _

_Dear Bella,_

_I'm sorry I will never be able to hold you _

_In my arms and tell you I love you._

_I'm sorry that I've left, once more. _

_I can not begin to tell you how broken _

_my heart is. But I'm sorry yours has to be because of_

_me. I hope you find someone who will deserve you- you're_

_kindness, your breathtaking beauty, your_

_generosity, your everything. No one ever will deserve it though._

_As I write this I cant help but sob tearless sobs. _

_I wont forget you ever, I know that every dream I have and every_

_thought of mine will star you. I'm sorry, for everything I have done._

_Find someone who is the best, the best at loving you the best at _

_appreciating you. No one will ever do that as much as me,_

_because you were my life Bella, you still are,_

_you always will be. _

_Find that person and love them better than you ever loved_

_me, give them all of you and everything. _

_I would give EVERYTHING, anything to be able_

_To hold you and protect you and love and touch you. _

_But I'm done ruining everything you could have had._

_I love you so, so much. I'll never stop._

_Love always and forever,_

_Edward._

_By now the note was soaked with tearstains and kisses. If my mother saw me she would die of disappointment. She would be shocked I was having this type of reaction over a boy. But he had never been just a boy._

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	7. Home Sweet Home

**A/N:** Hey everybody, I have tons more time now since it's summer and I'm so excited to write more and more. First off, thank you everybody sooo much for the awesome comments you left me on the previews chapter! I love you guys :D I've been meaning to ask... do any of you know how to make story banners, I would really, reallyyyy love one for this story. If you know anybody or if you know how to make them and are interested in helping please PM me. Thanks! and enjoy :D

**Song Theme: **Alright the song for this chapter is:

"May I" by Trading Yesterday, lovely song :)

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To say that I had cried myself to sleep that first night in Phoenix would be an understatement. I had used the word so much and done the action even more so. I had let every single thing out to Renee and I had never told a single person anything about that that whole story. It felt good to let out all those tears and screams of anger,_**immense**_ regret, foolishness and disbelief out to someone who would listen. But it hurt so much more, I had relived every single moment my heart had shattered and little by little became nothing and left nothing but an angry, ugly hole.

That night Renee held me and comforted me. She kept saying over and over how it would "all get better sooner than I had ever dreamed," she told me it was going to get better and that she knew better than anyone what I was feeling, she told me stories, she combed my hair, she sang me to sleep while the tears fell down my face.

I don't think anything will ever hurt me as bad as what has happened.

What do you do ..how should you feel, when you lose your soulmate?...

***

I was still in a sleepy haze as I heard my mom call out to me for me to wake up. "Bella, sweetie? ..Bella come on baby get up, it's breakfast time. And you still haven't seen Phil or Noah!" she whispered excitedly. "They're dieing to see you baby." I stretched out on the other side of my bed, missing the cool, strong arms that used to greet me in the morning, a long time ago and felt a familiar pang of sadness as I realized they would never be there again. I got up slowly and begrudgingly and then remembered I still had yet to see Phil and my baby brother. I had spent the whole night locked in my room with mom, crying and crying.

"..They're down stairs?" I asked as I opened the door to my bathroom.

"Mhm, so hurry up and get ready baby, they're dieing to see you, especially Noah!" she wrinkled her nose up in her cute, excited smile.

I had to admit, I too was pretty jazzed to see them, it had been so long. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water run down my back and hair. I let it run down my face, Lord knows what I look like this morning. I massaged my strawberry shampoo into my hair and rinsed it out, I washed my face and brushed my teeth in the shower as well.

I found a nice pair of jeans and it looked nice outside -it always did in Phoenix- so I put a black and white plaid tank on and quickly slipped on my high tops.

I couldn't do much with my hair, it was just straight and wet, so I brushed it the best I could and left it down.

I didn't realize how excited I was until I found myself jumping down the stairs, skipping every other step. But of course, I remembered that wasn't the best idea for someone as clumsy as me.

"I hear there are two extra people bunking in this house, and I decided to check them out for myself." I laughed as Phil jumped up and hugged me and Noah screamed and laughed in his high chair. "Bee! Beeeeeeee!" He giggled excitedly.

"Bella! How are you honey?" Phil asked me.

_Well, I'm a huge, blubbering mess with a hole in her heart as big as this house and the love of my life has left me because he either a. thinks he isn't right for me or he b. is just sick of having to put up with me. I place all bets on b, thanks for asking!_

"Hmm," I quipped. "Fine." and then smiled the fakest smile I'm sure has ever been seen.

"That's great honey! We've missed you so much, well that's an understatement for little Noah," he laughed as we stared at Noah practically jumping out his seat for a hug from me.

"Beee! I miss you Bee!" he screamed, I ran up to him and pulled him into a huge hug, it wasn't until then that I realized how much I missed him. I felt tears brim on my eyes, and for once they weren't for Edward. I kissed Noah's head and looked at him, he was beautiful. He had soft, shiny, hair that fell down almost into his eyes, and curled up at the ends. I could see why Renee didn't want to give him a hair cut, he had gorgeous hair. His skin was peach but his cheeks had an obvious pink tint, and he had a small, pink little mouth. His eyes were hazel, thanks to Phil. I hugged him once more and kissed his head, "I missed you too sweetheart. You don't know how much better I feel because of you." I whispered. Renee and Phil couldn't hear, they were talking to each other about what they had planned for their day.

"So honey, what are you gonna do today?" Renee asked.

"Hmmm," I mused. "I think I'm going to take Noah to the park, walk around a bit." I heard Noah's deafening squeal come from behind.

"Sounds good," she smiled. "Have fun!"

Walking around in the fresh air without needing a five pound jacket or umbrella was refreshing. I loved the feel of the warm air around me and how the sun kissed my skin.

I took Noah to the park and watched as he ran around the playground with kids who I assumed were his friends, one of the moms there was great friends with Renee, I had seen her all the time when I came for visits, in fact she was there to drive us home when Renee picked me up yesterday.

I would look up every once and a while to see how Noah was doing, every time I looked I laughed at the sight of him rolling and playing in the sand box with his friend who's name, I think, was Charlotte. It was very cute.

I rested on a hill right next to the swing set, under a tree. My now dry hair fanned out behind me. I closed my eyes letting the breeze tickle my arms and the bit of flesh exposed on my midriff. The warmth of the sun was strong even under a tree, it caressed every unclothed part of my body, I could even feel it go through my clothes. It rested on my thighs, hips, my hands, my lips, it kissed my hair, it felt so good. It actually quite erotic.

I was so peaceful, I was even about to doze off a bit when I heard soft footsteps walking in very close proximity, I tried to ignore it until they became uncomfortably close and finally I heard a very unwelcome, very familiar voice.

"Hello, Bella. Long time no see."

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** A/N: ooooo! Time for some D-R-A-M-A! **

**As if there wasnt enough already!**

**Review! You know you want too!!! and answer the question I asked in the beginning if you can pleaseee! **

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	8. Not The Worst Of It

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A/N:

Hey Okay so in this chapter you'll be finding out who that unwanted entity was...

and also just when you think Bella's getting better... well you have to read to understand what I'm talking about!

**p.s. I still need help that banner :) **

**Song Theme:** "We Are Broken" by Paramore

"Don't Make Me Wait" by This World Fair

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"Hello, Bella," my eyes flew open at the sound of his voice, and then they landed on him, with disgust probably all-too evident on my face. "Long time no …see." His eyes trailed all over my body as he said this. I instantly sat upright and stood up.

"What the _fuck_ do you want?" I spat at him, my anger still fierce after almost 3 years. I was always the **last** person to use curse words, and even then, I refused to have such ugly words taint my lips, but Lucas was the most vile, most evil person I think I had ever met. Well, okay there was James, Victoria, Laurent and some others but when said he was twisted I meant it.

He laughed his trademark condescending laugh. "Whoa now, seems like little Bella is still a _wittle_ mad, huh?" he said with a mocking voice and then threw his head back and laughed. "So what's my little virgin been doing since she left?" he took a strand of hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear and then cupped my face.

"Get your hands off of me."

He just smirked and then out of nowhere smashed his lips against mine, forcing me against the tree. He stuck his tongue right down my throat and I almost threw up right there. I tried getting out from under him put he had his hands placed very tightly on my hips. He moved his hands down my pants and that's all it took. It was difficult, but I managed to get my leg up and kick him in the groin, then I slapped him, hard. "I told you too get the fuck off me, asshole!"

I ran over to Noah, picked him up and thanked Renee's friend for watching him. With that I took off.

***

[Cue "We Are Broken" by Paramore]

I sat in the cab with Noah, brushing his hair back and holding him in my lap. "Did you have fun, honey?" I asked smiling at how adorable he was.

"Mhm so much! Charlotte is my best friend, Bee! She is fun!"

I couldn't help but laugh at how cute this all was, it seemed to me, and I may be imagining things, that my 2-year-old brother had a bit of a crush. "That's fantastic, Noah! What do you want to do next?"

"I want to go to the doctor…"

"Why baby? What's the matter?" I quickly panicked, looking at each arm and leg and his head to see if there was any visible injury. "What's wrong?"

"It's not me, it's you."

"Me?" What in the world…

"Yeah, you got booboo!"

"Wha-?" I looked in the mirror of the cab and sure enough I had a small cut on my lip, it was bleeding. Only a little, but it was noticeable. I licked it off and tasted the sickening copper flavor of the almost dry blood. It had to be from when Lucas practically knocked me out with that kiss. I shuddered at the thought of him being here, I had all but forgotten he would be around.

Lucas was my ex, if that wasn't already evident, he had been mine for a year. That was also when I was supposed to go to Forks, but this was still very early in the year.

I met him at one of Phil's home games and he seemed- well pretty perfect- isn't that how they always seem? When we didn't go out somewhere we were at the park or in his room or in my room. We never did anything though, nothing beyond making out but the strange thing is, I was pretty uncomfortable kissing him. The first 2 months were nice, he seemed perfect but he was not "the one" and I always knew that, but it felt good to have someone. He seemed nice enough. There was a bad side to him though, a very jealous side, an angry side and it scared me. That side came out around the third month, every time we went out, if someone even glanced at me he had a fit. And when I told him to cool down he would scream at me and shut me up. I never dared to challenge him. Well, eventually he started getting violent, I remember that first night. We had decided to stay in and rent movies and I suggested one, he was in a bad mood that day so he told me to shut up because my voice was driving him nuts and I had "shit taste in movies, anyways." I was so shocked that I answered back, telling him not to ever talk that way to me again. In two seconds, he was in front of me and he threw me to the ground, giving me a bloody lip. It got worse; eventually those pushes became kicks and slaps and those bruises became cuts. I finally broke it off with him after telling Renee the truth and she made me end it. With pleasure, I said. I went over to his place to tell him and he blew up, and after he blew up… he beat the living shit out of me. I couldn't move for weeks, I had to be hospitalized. he was arrested and was sentenced to 3 years in prison but was let out early for "good behavior." It still scares me to think of him, but I'll never let him see that. Of course, I told Edward, my beautiful, sweet Edward. And he was furious and agonized that I went through that, he was heartbroken that he wasn't there to fix me. He held me that night and kissed every spot of me that he thought could have been harmed. _Why were you so stupid Bella! Damn it! _my mind sobbed and screamed.

"Don't worry sweetie, I'm fine, it's just a tiny booboo. Don't you get tiny booboo's?" I said trying to wipe a small tear before it fell.

"Yeah, but Bella.. The booboo you have is invisible…"

****

_[_Cue- "Don't make me wait" by This World Fair]

I ended up taking Noah to the ice cream parlor where we shared a tiny sundae from the kids section.

He told me about his day, about how happy he was I was with him, he told me he loved me. And it hurt that he was the only person I could believe when they said so.

It was getting late so I cleaned him up and we walked back home. I decided to take a bath, needing to get the nauseating smell of Lucas off me. I locked my bathroom door, slipped everything off, and looked in the mirror. To say I looked like hell would be an understatement. My lower lip had a small bloody cut on it and my eyes were puffy, my face looked sallow and my hair was everywhere. I slid into the bath, where there were some bubbles lining the corners. I slid my head under the water and stayed there, thinking and dreaming. I thought about a night when Edward had stayed over, it's a night I remember perfectly because it was the night we were about to make love.

We lay on the bed, I was curled into a ball around him, my head on his chest. His arms wrapped around me and rubbed circles on my back as I traced lazy patterns on his chest.

"_Edward?" I mumbled._

"_Yes, love?"_

"_Can I ask you something?"_

"_Anything."_

"_Do you know how much I love you?"_

"_I don't know why, but I know you do, sweetheart."_

"_Yes, but do you know how _much?_"_

"_Hmmm, I'm sure you love me with every fiber of your being. I know you do."_

"_That's right…"_

"_But never as much as I love you."_

_I sat up on top of him, shocked, and honestly a little mad he had said that._

"_What?! Oh no you don't!" I snipped, earning me a throaty chuckle from Edward, that was quite honestly one of the sexiest things I'd ever heard. The vibrations of his laugh went up to my now heated center. _

"_Have I ever told you how adorable you are when you get upset? Because frankly, you are." he sat up, cradling me against his chest, still laughing._

"_How could you say that though, don't you know how hard is it for me to be without you for just a second?" I said softly, now serious._

"_Bella.." he warned._

_But I turned to him, "Don't you know that even when we're like this and a single part of me slips off your body for even a single second it hurts like crazy? That when I wake up in the mornings and you go home to change, I'm screaming on the inside for you to stay, even though I know I'll see you in minutes. Do you understand how big a part of my being you are?"_

"_Bella, I know how much you love me, but if I ever lost you I don't even know what I would do. I die thinking of that possibility. I love you ..so much."_

"_Shhh, no, I know all this, it's my time to share. You are the reason I'm not depressed in this place. If it weren't for you, I don't know how much more of Forks I could take. I want to be everywhere you are. _I _love _you_, but I don't think you know how much. You once told me I was your life, well, you've always been mine. Since I saw you, I didn't know just how much, but you were. You always have been, you always will be." _

_And then I gently kissed him, it was very soft and chaste at first. But then it grew more passionate, and I grew hungrier. _

_I moved my hands from his face, down his neck, to his collar. I pulled him forward with it and then proceeded to unbutton it, little by little. What caught me off guard was that he didn't stop me, in fact, once I finished all the buttons he pulled his shirt off his shoulders and rolled me over. He kissed my neck and pulled my shirt off. I became breathless with how excited I was getting, we were finally going to make love. He nibbled on my collarbone and kissed my stomach everywhere. I loved when he did this, it gave me butterflies. I grabbed his face and kissed him strong and heavily, I couldn't get enough of him. I broke away from the kiss for a much needed breath, his lips traveled to my neck and up my jaw, he nibbled on my earlobe. _

"_I love you," he whispered, making me moan._

_He drew me back into a kiss as I removed his pants. My center was throbbing and my panties were uncomfortably soaked through. He hitched my leg over his hip and buried me into his kiss, he groaned as I scraped his back with my nails and held onto his shoulders. And then he groaned again, but it was different. It was a frustrated groan. _

_I pulled his face up to mine, "What's wrong, sweetheart?" _

"_Bellaaa," he groaned. "We can't do this… I'm sorry I let it go this far, this is the farthest I've ever dreamt of letting it go, and I'm sorry for teasing you this way but I- we can't. it's too dangerous." He kissed me once more. "Come on, let's get dressed." _

_I was so angry and frustrated- I needed release. We were so close! _

I was still under the water and I had lost breath a long time ago, maybe I wanted too. But either way, I lifted my head up as fast as I could, coughing and trying to catch my breath. My lungs were burning. And then I broke down. I cried as I thought of that night and every other night I had spent with him. I should've been grateful then that that wasn't the worst rejection I would get

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	9. Birthday Wishes

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**A/N: thank you guys so much for all the lovely reviews:) **

**Song theme: **Everybody's Changing- Keane. I adoreee this song.

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I woke up, not remembering having put myself to bed. My pillow was damp from having slept with wet hair. I felt odd- in a daze. It was safe to say that I wasn't dreaming, but something felt weird, so strange. It was only two in the morning but I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. And I had this terrifying feeling that I was being …watched. Oddly enough though, I wasn't _terrified_ in the least, it got my heart beating fast, none the less.

Yes, it was quite clear that I would not be getting back to bed. I went downstairs, out to the back porch where I found a nice seat directly under a beautiful view of the moon. Immediately, my thoughts drifted to Jacob. To the days when Edward had left me, and Jacob was the only reason I had not fallen into pieces so soon. To the days when little by little, Jacob started falling in love with me. I felt a heavy weight on my heart as I thought of my old friend. The best and only one I ever had. I left him in a sad, shocked state, but that's just it- he would be fine; he had only broken _my_ heart and lost _one feeble, little _friend in the process. He would be fine, seeing as how he had his soul mate, seeing as how he had Leah now.

It not only broke my heart for the millionth time as I thought of how much I loved him as my brother, as my very best friend- but that he probably didn't even care anymore that I was as good as dead. It broke me to think that everything I once had was just a sad memory of the past. That once, what seems like a very long time ago, my life was perfect and it seemed as though I had done something right for once.

"How did this happen, Bella? How did you get so far gone?" I asked myself silently.

"Bella?" I was suddenly startled by the voice of my mother.

"Sweetheart, what in the world… Do you know what time it is?" she asked peering into my eyes, worry lines marking her pretty face. I couldn't speak, words seemed beyond me, so I simply nodded.

"Last night …well I was going to talk to you about this in the morning but well, were both awake now and honestly, I cant sleep thinking about it."

She paused for a long moment, probably trying to word whatever she wanted to tell me in her head. She really didn't know how to say this, I could see.

"I just don't know how to say this," she said, an echo of my thoughts. She took my hands in hers but couldn't seem to face me. "Bella …sweetie I'm not sure you even remember this but yesterday night I found you in the tub, unconscious." A sob broke out on the last word, and I looked up to see her crying. "I tried waking you up and eventually you did but I'm guessing you were so tired, you fell asleep in my arms. I put you to bed and decided I would talk to you in the morning …but Bella, I'm so worried about you," she whimpered.

What am I supposed to say to that? It wasn't as though she was overreacting …Wow. Unconscious. No wonder I didn't remember going to bed. But what had I even done to myself?

"Bella?" my mother asked, knocking me out of my reverie. "Bella this is what I'm talking about, your always lost when someone tries to talk to you. You always look dead when your just walking around, no- you don't even walk- you just …mope! And when you're alone, I know he's the only one on your mind. And if it isn't Edward it's Jacob-"

It suddenly hit me that this was literally, exactly what had happened to me when Edward left once before. I was depressed, and even now I wonder if I was suicidal. I know the cliff dive incident- that in fact was the catalyst behind me getting Edward back after wreaking major havoc- was mainly a thoughtless ploy to hear Edward in anyway I could, but sometimes, I think there was a little part of my brain begging me to do it for the sake of getting it all over with. For the sake of putting me out of the tremendous suffering I was in. I wish things were that simple now.

"Mom, of course you know all this, hello, do you not remember the 7-hour blubber fest I had with you?"

"Yes I do. But it seems that not even letting all that out helped, not in the least! Being in Phoenix doesn't help, not seeing Phil, not seeing Noah!" she said crying into her hands, and I wanted so badly to be able to make her feel better. "Do you understand how much it breaks my heart that I- your mother! Can't even help? She cried, this time looking me in the eyes. "Sweetie, you're sick. You're heartbroken, but devastatingly ..and I've run out of ideas." she wiped her eyes, just to break down again.

Of all the things I could have said to her, of all the encouraging and faithful words I had lined up in my head that I could have said to make her feel better, I didn't. I could have hugged her and calmed her down and even said sorry for everything, but I didn't. Instead, something very different lined up on my lips, ready to be spat. "Why can't you give up?" I said through clenched teeth.

Of course, she looked up at me, shocked.

"What?" she gasped.

"Why is this so important that you AND Charlie both can't leave me alone long enough for me to make any progress in getting over this? Huh?!"

She was still in shock at the way I had just spoken to her. Her eyebrows furrowed together, confused. And she reached her hand over to my face and cupped it.

"No! Don't touch me! I'm not 6 anymore mom, you can't just give me a hug or a kiss and it will go away, that doesn't work anymore!" I screamed.

"No, no baby, shhh. Stop, it's okay." she stood up and pulled me into her arms as I broke down for the millionth time with her. The tears ran down my face and sobs broke through like nothing before. "Mom! I'm so _sick _of crying about this, I'm so sick and tired of missing him. But I do ..I miss him so much.." I cried in her arms, as we sat on the floor outside.

She took me upstairs and tucked me in, whimpers still fighting their way out of my mouth. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my body seemed to have caught up with me, everything became quite foggy very fast.

The last words I heard before knocking out completely were my mothers. "I love you, Bella. I'm begging you…"

****

At this point I was so far in my depression, I didn't even care anymore. My mom didn't want to admit it, she didn't want to have to say I was 'depressed.' But she knew it as well as I did.

I had decided to stay in Phoenix for the rest of the week and see Noah turn 3. _Screw finals._ Besides, I had gotten a call from Charlie earlier that week that the Cullens had come back from their 'hiking trip' which _I_ knew was actually their _hunting_ trip. I definitely needed more time off than I thought.

That night Phil, Renee, Noah and I sat down to have a special birthday dinner for Noah. His presents were all stacked up in the living room, ready and waiting to be unwrapped after dinner and the cake.

After each and every present was stripped of it's colorful clothing, and Phil, Renee and me heard just as many squeals as our ears could bear, I took Noah up to my room to give him my present.

"How was your birthday, kiddo?" I smiled, as he moved his birthday hat around awkwardly.

"Fun! So fun! Charlotte gave me _half_ her ice cream today!" he jumped up and down.

"What?!" I exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. "Half?! No!"

"Yeah! It was …chocolate." he giggled mischievously due to the fact that we both knew Renee didn't like to give him chocolate because it turned him into a jumping jellybean.

I couldn't help but giggle. "Where in the world did you get your sneaky side from?" I tapped his nose with the tip of my finger.

"Well …do you want your gifty?"

"Mhmm…"

I handed him a rectangular box, wrapped in shiny gold paper. It was nothing at all really. I was even I bit embarrassed giving it to him after seeing all the cool little gadgets he had gotten from Phil and Renee, but Renee assured me he would absolutely love it.

He opened it to find a picture of me holding him right after he was born and he was wrapped tightly and warmly in a blue blanket with an elephant stitched across the stomach. I was looking down at him, a huge smile on my lips, and a little tear finding a way out my eye. It was framed in a blue and gold picture frame with a baseball bat in one corner and a cap in the other.

After examining it for at least a minute he simply looked up at me, his eyes gleaming and tackled me into the biggest hug his tiny arms could manage. I'm happy to say this was the second time I was crying and it wasn't because of the problems putting me in this depression. I held him to me and kissed his head. "I love you, buddy."

"I love you, Bee." he repeated. "Bee, I have a question."

"Go ahead."

"Why don't you ever smile like that anymore? Like in the pitcha?"

"Well … um, sometimes …people get booboos on their heart. And those booboos do heal, bud, but they just take a little longer than the others. 'kay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

The silence was becoming to heavy for me. Had it really become so bad that I couldn't even talk to my little brother without it getting awkward. _What was the matter with me? _

"Well what'd you wish for?!" I asked, trying desperately to get the conversation up and going.

"I can't tell you or else it won't come true …and I really want it to come true, Bee."

"I promise, I won't tell a soul," I smiled at him encouragingly.

He sighed a deep sigh, as if getting ready for something big. "I wished that you could be happy again."

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	10. Back Home

**A/N: I'm not even going to go into the whole "AHH I'M SO SORRY" bit because you all HAVE to know how awfully, terribly sorry I am. If you don't...are you kidding me?**

**I've been going crazy here with the delays and all I've wanted to do is write and this shouldn't be up because it hasn't been beta'd but I literallyyyy could not wait any. longer. **

**So here it is! It really isn't much but I really hope y'all are happy I did something. **

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Song: Warning Sign- Coldplay **

**Love Mila..**

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It was my last day in Phoenix. It was also a Saturday. That meant I had to spend one extra unnecessary day in Forks before the school week started with the possibility of seeing Jacob or Edward. Well, that probably wouldn't happen, I was going to be locked up in my room, up to the very last second I could.

I contemplated how in the world I would ever be able to look Jacob in the eyes again. It would be impossible to avoid him, he was the son of my fathers best friend. So seeing as how it would be inevitable to see him again, I thought about the way I wanted to talk to him, and how I would be to him. I wanted to be mean, angry, coldhearted and indifferent but I knew that the second my eyes took in the sight of him I would break down. I would just look at him through my unfortunate tears and wonder how in the world my life got so screwed over. I would wordlessly ask him how he could completely overlook the complete sacrifice and commitment I made for him and how besides that fact, he betrayed my trust and lost his loyalty. Period. I would want things to go back to normal, I would want him to always want to be with me and be my best friend all over again 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week. And as much as I hated to admit it, I wanted him to love me obsessively the way he used to -I knew that under the hurt and heartbreak there was jealousy that he had found his true soul mate- It didn't matter that I didn't love him as much as he did me, I wanted to put my claim on him like I so _obliviously _did back when I was with Edward. And that was extremely selfish and vain but it was true. I wanted that all back so badly that I knew the second he asked me to forget about everything, I would. I would have given anything to be able to be the aloof, strong and unforgiving victim but I couldn't. My emotions took control of me at the worst moments.

I was sucked back into the present when I heard Renee tapping softly on my open door. "Hey." her voice was hoarse and I could tell she had been crying.

I sighed deeply not wanting to accept the fact that she was actually crying over me for any reason. "Mom, why are you crying?"

She laughed as she wiped the newly fallen tears from her cheeks. "Why wouldn't I be? There's a lot to be crying about considering what you're going through."

"Huh?"

"What I mean is, I have a reason to be crying when the reason _you _came here was for me to help you, and I couldn't do anything to ease your sadness. I'm letting you go still broken and low." she gasped. "I am so …guilty that I couldn't say a single thing that could've made it better. Not even in the least." she frowned, tortured. "But besides that, you're my baby, and you're leaving. I'm just going to miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too, mom. You see, you're my best friend. And the funny part is, you don't understand that you really did help me. You may not have said anything, but just seeing you and Phil and Noah made me so much happier. It also made me realize how much more I miss you guys."

There was a long pause that was full of unspoken sorrow and then she finally spoke up. "What I want more than anything, Bella, is for you too find your way back. I'm going to miss my little girl for as long as she's away- and I don't just mean physically. For as long as you aren't yourself, I'm going to miss my quirky, calm but full-spirited little woman. It seems as though you can't be that way without either having your brain washed and forgetting he ever existed and getting back to normal, or having him back in your life. I'm not going to force you to just get over it, because even if I wanted to, you wouldn't be able to. I just want you to take it one step at a time and live everyday the best you can without having him by your side. Because baby, I know exactly what it's like to feel like you've chosen the worst option possible and the only way to get by is to just mope around because you have no patience for anything else, but it's not going to help you. I hope that the time away helped you, I pray you'll get better sweetie, it breaks my heart to see you this way." with that she kissed my head and walked out.

If there was anything I could compare to the way I felt when me and Edward said goodbye to each other, it was saying goodbye to my family. My home away from home. I hugged Phil tightly and little by little my anxiety and sadness crept up on me. I began silently crying when I had to say goodbye to Noah, it killed me that I had missed so much of his life already and now I was leaving again for who knows how long. "I love you kiddo," I whispered kissing his hair as he wrung his little arms around my neck, refusing to let go. "I'll be back sooner than you know."

"I'll miss you, Bee." he kissed my cheek and pulled something out of his pocket. "I got you present, mommy helped me." He took out a silver bracelet with a heart locket dangling from the chain. On one side of the inside were the words: _Noah & Bella: Bee and Kiddo,_ with a tiny heart engraved at the end, on the other was a small picture of the four of us. My eyes welled up with fresh tears at the gorgeously thoughtful gift. "Thank you so much guys." I said to them all. "I'll see you soon bud." and with that I kissed his cheek and headed off to my mom.

"How much did this cost mom?" I asked, slightly upset that she spent anything on me.

"Don't even worry about it, Bella." she smiled. I knew that face, I knew that face anytime anyone made it. It meant there was some sort of value to what they had done; whether it be money or sentimental.

"Mom," I warned.

"Bella, I'm allowed to buy you things, get over it." That reminded me of something someone I knew would say. Well not exactly like _that _but among those lines.

"I just-"

"Besides, it was Noah's idea. What was I supposed to say when he told me he wanted to get you something to remember him, no?"

I smiled at the thought of my brother, he would be quite the man when he grew up. And if I knew anything about men, it was how to see them for what they were. Noah would be another Edward …perhaps even better, if that were possible. "You guys are teaching him right." I said, earning a chuckle from Renee. She pulled me into her arms and I could hear her sniffling. "Mom, I won't be gone for so long, I'm sorry I took forever to see you but I'm going to stop. I don't know how I did it for so long, when I get back to Forks I'm going to be insane. You're the only person I've got left." I breathed.

She pulled back, smiling softly through her tears. "That's not true sweetheart, you know you've always got dad, and Phil and Noah."

"Well, I can't talk to dad the way I can to you now can I? And all three of you are back here. I'll only be able to talk to you through the phone or-" that reminded me. "OH! I've got something for you guys!" I shrieked excitedly. I pulled out the $20 webcam I bought at Forks right before coming here and handed it to her. She eyed the camera and then looked at me like I was crazy.

"Uh… Bella, darling.. What in the world is this thingamabob?"

I giggled. "It's called a webcam. You use it to talk to people through video. Video chat. This way we can talk all we want."

She laughed nervously and flipped it over, examining it. "Hmm, well I know you haven't forgotten how bad I am with technology. So, I don't know how this will work out."

"Mom, it's not rocket science. Just plug it into the computer and turn it on. If anything just ask Phil for help installing it."

She finally smiled, appreciating the gift and getting over her technology phobia. "You are too smart."

I hugged her once more, my cheeks becoming moist with tears, and I wondered how much more I had in me. "Love you," I said. She kissed my forehead and wished me a safe flight.

"Good luck with everything, baby. I'm here for anything, please don't even think twice about calling. Be safe, I love you." she said.

With one last, long hug I walked off to my gate, looking back several times at my smiling, beautiful other family.

***

It was already pretty dark when I got home. Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the drive way so I knew he was probably still working. Just as I let myself in and put my bags down, the phone rang. I ran to the kitchen, picking it up on the 3rd ring.

"Hello?"

"Bella? Sweetie, is that you?" I immediately recognized the tired voice of my father.

"Hey dad," I smiled.

"Bella! I'm so glad you're home safe. I'm real sorry I couldn't go get you, it was a tough day at work and I couldn't go, I feel horrible." That was quite evident in his voice.

"Don't even worry about it dad, I'm fine. Really."

"If you say so." he sighed, still evidently upset.

"So what do you want for dinner?"

"No no, don't even worry about me. You just got home, you must be exhausted. I'll pick something up on my way out. Just relax, I'll be home soon kid."

"If you say so," I mimicked.

He chuckled. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

As soon as I hung up the phone I called Renee and let her know I got home safe and sound, then I took my bags upstairs to my room and started unpacking. I really did want to lie down and rest but doing that would only make me think and right about now I was in no position to think. Besides, it would be better to get these things over with. At that thought, I heard a soft knock on the door and wondered who could be here. The only car in the drive way was mine and everyone knew I was gone on a "fun family visit."

I was quite surprised to see Emily standing there in her coat. She smiled, "Bella."

"H-hey Emily," I stuttered, very taken back. "What brings you here?"

"Well, I was at the station when you called Charlie, giving him some info on something I witnessed down at La Push - nothing unusual, just everyday wolf pack stuff, but he can't know that," she laughed and explained as she caught the look on my face as if she could hear me thinking how much I could have possibly missed while I was gone. "Anyways, he let me know you were back. I just wanted to come by and welcome you home." she smiled.

That was very like Emily, always looking out and being considerate. "Thanks Em," I smiled back. "Come in, please." I said, stepping aside to let her into the house.

"I'm glad you offered, there's something I wanted to talk to you about." I gulped, regretting ever inviting her in. I knew where this was going.

"Sure, just let me get us something to drink," I pressed, wanting to delay this. I came back with two hot cups of coffee. I found her pacing the room, looking at photos on the wall. "So," I sighed. "What's up?"

"Thanks," she said as I handed her her cup. "Well, I've been thinking about what happened with you and Jacob- yeah, we all know by the way," she admitted apologetically. "I'm really sorry Bella." she sighed after a long pause. "I'm so sorry for what he did. It breaks my heart to think of how you must feel right now …in some ways I understand how he couldn't ..resist, but I'm just so, so upset at him. I can't believe he didn't even wait, he couldn't wait till he at least said something to you.." this was bringing back memories and feelings that I had desperately wanted to keep locked up since I left Phoenix.

"Look, Emily." I interrupted. "I understand that you wanted to apologize but it's not up to you to say sorry for his mistakes. His _big_ mistakes."

"No, please Bella …Just let me- I'm sorry. I have absolutely no idea what you feel like and I feel horrible because I _do _know that it must suck. I just want to let you know that, whatever you need I promise you that my loyalty to the pack won't interfere in me helping you. In fact, they shouldn't have a word on it because you were the one who got hurt. Jacob _was_ a jerk for what he did, I can't say it enough. It makes my blood boil to think of how careless he was to you. You've never been anything but kind and loving. But …_Jacob _is not a jerk. He's an idiot. A careless, rash, over-the-top idiot. But he's not a bad guy. You must hate me for telling you this-"

"No, I don't …I know he isn't," I said, a tear falling from my face.

"Don't cry sweetheart, not over him." It shocked me that she was talking this way about him, but she must have been very mad at him. She walked over to me and hugged me, "Not everyone knows this, just you, me, Jacob, the Cullens and I'm assuming your mom ."

"Knows about what?"

"The situation between you and Edward, and what you had to do." I gasped, a thrill of embarrassment and shock going through me. I was so positive I had kept that safe but apparently everyone knew everything about my life. "I know what Jacob did ..how he talked you into being with him. And Bella it wasn't some sort of ploy to get you into bed or something," my eyes widened, "everything he said was true. He was in love with you and he wanted to be with you so much everyday, but he just- he hadn't found his…"

"Soul mate? Look I know all of this Emily and I really don't mean to be rude but I don't want to hear anymore of this. It hurts bad enough already and I just got back-"

"Bella, please, this won't take much longer.." she waited for my permission, I simply nodded and sighed. "You're right, he hadn't found his soul mate. If it weren't for my cousin, Leah, he would have never done this to you though-"

I audibly gasped, I had absolutely no clue that Emily and Leah were cousins. Then again I had never seen Leah in my life. But how could I even make a connection like that when Emily and Leah were both two _vastly_ different people. Emily was sweet and considerate whereas from the looks of what she had done to me, Leah was a bit of a home wrecker.

"You didn't know she was my cousin." she stated. "I'm sorry I never said anything, it's just that, she had just come into town and I hadn't seen you since the pack was on duty. You know we rarely see each other when we aren't around the pack, which is unfortunate." she was ranting, but all I could think of was how it all made sense now. Of course! He saw her the very day of our anniversary and imprinted, he was too caught up in his …passion, that he forgot all about me…

"It's okay Emily, just finish." she flinched at my snippiness, I would have apologized but I was too upset about the epiphany I had just had.

"All right, well, if it weren't for my cousin this wouldn't have happened …so soon. Listen, he had a soul mate, eventually he would have found her. I just want you to understand that, this isn't entirely his fault Bella, of course he's just such a jerk," she shook angrily, "for doing that to you! But ..he wouldn't have done it eventually. You can't fight it, you can try, but that's the way it works. You are _meant _for the person and try as you might, you won't be able to stay away for long. I'm just so sorry you had to be in the middle of that." Her voice broke.

"A-are you crying, Em?" I asked, taken back.

"It's just that, you never did anything to deserve what is happening to you, you're such a sweet girl."

"Em, don't worry about me," I smiled through my hurt. "You've got to much on you're plate with those boys already, I'll be fine." I said, smiling again.

"Oh Bella," she walked over to me and hugged me. "I don't know what is in Edward's head but he's crazy to have let you go again. You'll get through this, sweetie." She smiled and I walked her to the door, we chatted about some things for a couple of minutes and soon she turned to go.

"Thanks for having me, Bells, the coffee was great." she commented.

"Oh it was French vanilla." I quipped.

"Yummy!" she laughed. "Bye Bells."

I grabbed the doorknob, ready to wave goodbye to her but we both stood shocked when I opened the door.

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**Alright, so I can't apologize enough but whatever, new page! **

**Reviews are welcomed(: scratch that- they are begged for!**


	11. Bold

**A/N: **

**Howdy darlings! **

**Alright, that was strange of me.. Anywho, to everyone who reviewed and favorited the story thanks so much! The reviews were all incredibly sweet :) And although alerts and hits and favorites DO make me giddy and giggle like a school girl, I would really, really love to hear more from you guys!**

**To those who I responded to their reviews, I told youuuu there would be an update sooner than you thought ;D **

**Chapter song: Stab My Back by All American Rejects. Start it right when Jacob and Bella are on their way to the kitchen, kay? Great!**

**Enjoy! :D**

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"Jacob," scowled Emily.

I could only stand there, my fingernails digging into the wooden door. Jacob stood there, shirtless, his black eyes tired and sorrowful. They stayed firmly on my face and surprisingly, crying wasn't the first thing I wanted to do.

I had to hold back my hand, the urge to slap him square across the face frighteningly strong.

"What in the world are you doing here? What kind of nerve-"

"Em." he said loud and firm, his eyes finally looking to her. His response an obvious signal to get her to stop. His eyes were determined and a bit wild now that they were on a face other than mine. I could tell the two had been through this before, the confrontation, Emily's vocalization of her disappointment, Jacob having to sit there and take it because he knew she was right.

I didn't feel the least bit sorry for him. I was just numb, yet a little part of me wanted to jump for joy that after seeing him, my predicted reaction was just the opposite of what was happening. I really didn't care to mend fences just so I could have my old Jacob back, I didn't care one bit.

"Well," she huffed. "I hope whatever it is you came here to say is quick. And try not to put your foot in your mouth more than you already have Jacob Black." she came over to hug me one last time, thanked me, and with that shoved her way past him.

"Emily," he tried, not turning around, his eyes closed and his shoulders slack.

But her reply was simply the sound of her car door slamming shut, and the wheels scraping across the gravely driveway and down the street.

We stood there awkwardly for couple more seconds. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet, not even able to start off with a "hey." Way to go Mr. Black, he was definitely doing a great job so far at showing me how sorry he was. Convinced, I was.

"Won't you come in?" I asked sarcastically, realizing he was going to stand there like a schmuck all day if someone didn't say something.

He laughed nervously but when he saw my face was as still as a statue he bashfully looked at the floor and walked inside with an almost inaudible "thanks."

I walked into the living room where I had just been with Emily, expecting for him to follow me, and sat down with my arms crossed and a face that no one would want to mess with.

"Is there a reason you're anywhere near a 100 foot radius of my house?" I said icily.

He sighed and stuffed his face into his hands as though he just didn't know what to do with himself.

"...3, 4, 5, 6..." I counted.

"What are you doing?" he looked up, confused.

"Counting how many seconds of my time you've wasted since you sat down on my couch. If I get to ten, you'll be sorry."

"Bells, damn, don't be like that." he pleaded, annoyance somewhat obvious in his tone.

"Like what? A scathing bitch? You can go fly a kite if you don't like the way I talk to you after the shit you've pulled." I spat.

"No, I won't. I'm here. Doesn't that mean anything?" he was getting angry and I loved it. If only I could get him to feel everything else he had made me feel, though.

"You're so bold and courageous. That means shit to me, Jacob! Who said I ever wanted to see your face again?" I said, now on my feet. I walked to the kitchen and could hear his loud, ominous footsteps behind me.

"And would it kill you to put a shirt on?!"

Suddenly, a big smirk lit up his face. "Does my being half naked bother you?"

"That's it. Get out." I pointed to the door. How dare he even _try _to joke with me. He hadn't even uttered an "I'm sorry" and he expected me to laugh with him?

He groaned and took a breath. "Bella, you have no idea how hard I'm trying not to split the rest of you heart with whatever I need to tell you. I'm walking on eggshells here because even though I have yet to tell you my apology and how I feel, I know if I don't do it lightly I'll break you again. And the fact that I've broken you at all as it is _kills_ me. Bella it kills me." I sighed again and continued, "I might as well just tell you now," he muttered to himself.

He took my hands in his and looked me deep in the eyes. "Bella, I will never be able to express to you how so very sorry I am. Everyday I wake up and remember what I did to you and it physically _hurts_. It hurts me that I involved you in this mess, it hurts me that I .._ch-cheated _on you. That I was scum enough to do that even if it was because I imprinted. But most of all it kills me that it was _you _who this all happened to. The one person I am sure deserves everything and more. But one thing that's gotten me thinking, that I won't apologize for, is taking you from the bloodsucker."

I instantly saw red. How could he?

"If it weren't for Leah, I would've continued to love you more than he ever could. And for that, I'm not sorry in the least."

I couldn't bear it. I was at a loss for words for so many things he had said. Without even realizing how badly I had wanted to I slapped him right across the face and then got about 3 inches from it with my own. I was sure all he could see was the fire in my eyes.

"Is that the best you've got for a fucking apology? Don't flatter yourself Black, my heart didn't break because of the tacky shit you did to me, it was because I lost my "_bloodsucker"_ because of YOU. If I hadn't lost Edward I wouldn't give two shits about who you fucked. I still don't!" I spat through clenched teeth.

He was massaging the area of his face where I had slapped him and just as I thought I had told him everything I needed to, his last words rang through my head and enraged me once more.

"And if that "_killed_" you," I started, saying what I had to through clenched teeth once more. His hand was gone from his face now, as he looked at me. "What the hell do you think it did to me?" I slapped him once more.

I stomped off to the front door and practically ripped it from it's hinges when I swung it open. "Get out of my house."

He trudged over, wallowing. He was almost out the door when he looked up and out to the road. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling.

"Bella-"

"Get out!" I cried.

"I really am sorry, Bells." he sighed.

As soon as he was out the door I slammed it shut, knocking a picture down from the wall in the process.

I wiped the stray tears that had fallen in my anger. I was crying because of how angry I was and the comment he made about taking me from Edward but I wouldn't ever cry because of Jacob again. If I ever wanted to I would hold it in. If my heart ever throbbed because of my fallen friendship, I would fold those feelings into a tiny little square, shred it and throw away the little pieces, but if I was meant to stay far from Jacob I would try to make it hurt as little as possible.

Deep down inside I knew I was just ignoring feelings I would have to face later but that's precisely what I would do. I would deal with them some other time, I was exhausted and was going to waste the little energy I had on the work I needed to get done before bed.

With that little revelation of mine discovered and somewhat taken care of I was off to pick up the mess of the picture I had made. I carefully picked up the shards of glass strewn about the floor and took the picture from its frame.

Charlie walked in the door just before I could pick up the smaller pieces of glass and frame. He would definitely ask what was going on.

"Bells?"

"In the kitchen dad!"

"Bella, what happened?" he asked, concerned.

"Oh nothing," I huffed, blowing at a piece of hair that had fallen in my face. "Um, there was just a bug on the picture frame and I, uh, tried and failed to swat it away."

I could tell he wasn't buying it as his eyes narrowed and he puckered his mouth. His signature "I'm very suspicious" face.

"Right," he said. "The girl who can't go near ants tried to kill a bug."

I simply nodded with an "I'm not guilty" expression and squeaked out a "mhm."

"Okayyy." he said, extending the word and turning on his heel. "I brought us a pizza! It's on the table!" he yelled from across the hall.

"Great, I'll set the table." I said, leaning on the counter and way to exhausted to put on my act tonight.

* * *

"So, how is everyone?" Charlie asked, for some reason trying to make conversation tonight.

I picked at my pizza, not looking him in the eye. "It was great, Noah's gotten huge and the place is real nice."

"That's nice," he said, not knowing just what _to _say but that.

"Yeah, it was. I sure do miss 'em. But that's what I've got you for," I smiled at him. He returned it with one of his sweet, crinkly-eyed smiles.

"Love ya, kiddo." he laughed as he got up from the table and mussed up my hair.

That reminded me..

I looked at the bracelet I had only been wearing for about 7 hours and already felt kind of homesick.

Tomorrow would be a long day and as much as I knew I would have to get used to my world now that it was upside down, it wouldn't be getting any easier on me.

"Bella? Bella are you listening?" Charlie said, interrupting my reverie. He was standing outside the kitchen with a dishrag in his hands looking at me like he didn't know what was going on in my head.

"Hmm?" I said. "Oh sorry, what happened?"

"There's a letter for you. It's on the table by the door." he said hesitantly.

"Cool, thanks I'll get it on my way up to my room. You need any help in there?" I called to the kitchen.

"No, no. You go unpack and get some rest."

"Alright.." I said. I didn't like not having any busywork. It kept my mind from thinking too much and it seemed as though now, it would think all it wanted. "If you're sure.." I walked off slowly.

"Who's the letter from?" I asked as I got closer and closer to the white letter.

"Huh? Oh, I've got no clue- Ow! Stupid liquid soap!-" I giggled at his frustration at the liquid soap. "I've got not clue," he said again. "It only had an address, no name, and I didn't recognize it."

For some reason my heart suddenly flew to my throat. I reached the letter, and although I didn't recognize the address either, I could recognize that handwriting anywhere.

"Oh my God.."

* * *

***Evil laugh* You see last time I didn't realize how evil I was for leaving you guys hanging but this time I'm very aware and am using this as a little experiment.**

**I've noticed you all need a little ..encouragement, we'll call it encouragement, when it comes to reviewing. So for this chapter reviews don't = love, they don't = smiles or wet Edward or any of that. **

**Reviews=Preview of chapter 12(: **

**Let's see how this goes...**


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